


Nowhere Else

by Carmenlire



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Dreams, Fluff and Angst, M/M, POV Alternating, Post-Episode: s03e19 Aku Cinta Kamu, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 13:12:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18621328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmenlire/pseuds/Carmenlire
Summary: Without warning, Alec finds himself on his back, Magnus looming over him. There’s a gleam in his eye as he studies his fiance. Alec feels giddy at the attention. It’s like syrup’s moving through his veins, slow and sweet and distantly, he wishes that they never had to leave this sanctuary of theirs.Magnus must catch a shifting of Alec’s expression because he tilts his head, prompts, “Darling?”Speaking through the sudden lump in his throat, Alec manages to ask, “Can we stay here? Just like this, just you and me.”





	Nowhere Else

**Author's Note:**

> Alec's Song: I Found by Amber Run  
> Magnus's song: Can You Hold Me by NF

Alec wakes slowly, the early morning sunshine dusting him in gold.

He smiles a little before carefully turning to face the wall of warmth that’d been at his back. 

The sight he sees steals his breath for the millionth time.

Magnus is always beautiful. Hands down, he’s the most attractive man that Alec’s ever laid eyes on. But it’s times like this that he can’t quite believe that he gets to have this. Magnus’s mouth is open on slow, deep breaths. His lips are a little chapped and there’s a smudge of eyeliner on his cheek from where he didn’t quite manage to get all of it before tumbling into bed last night.

The arm still over Alec’s middle suddenly tenses and Magnus grins, just a little, just enough to be noticeable.

“Watching me sleep, Alexander?” His voice is teasing, slow and sleepy with the faintest rasp, and Alec feels it curl around him.

“And if I was?”

His own voice is equally soft. He doesn’t want to ruin this bubble they’ve found themselves in. It’s far from the first morning Alec’s woken up and studied Magnus but it always catches his heart in a vise grip.

Magnus’s eyes open, gold catching the light. “A picture will last longer, you know,” he offers lightly as his thumb starts sweeping low on Alec’s hip.

With a raised brow, Alec laughs and moves to get up, turning away from Magnus to where his phone is charging on his bedside table. “Well, if you insist--”

“Get back here, Alexander.”

Without warning, Alec finds himself on his back, Magnus looming over him. There’s a gleam in his eye as he studies his fiance. Alec feels giddy at the attention. It’s like syrup’s moving through his veins, slow and sweet and distantly, he wishes that they never had to leave this sanctuary of theirs.

Magnus must catch a shifting of Alec’s expression because he tilts his head, prompts, “Darling?”

Speaking through the sudden lump in his throat, Alec manages to ask, “Can we stay here? Just like this, just you and me.”

Magnus’s eyes widen for an instant before his face softens. Resting a hand on Alec’s cheek, he leans down until their lips meet.

The kiss is achingly gentle and Alec feels tears burn his eyes, feels the icy chill as one escapes and leaves a damp trail in its wake.

Magnus pulls back and wipes it away.

“How long, Alexander?” Alec must look confused because Magnus clarifies, “How long do you want me? How long do you want to stay here, just the two of us, away from everything else?”

Alec has a brief moment to think Magnus’s question is ridiculous. There’s only one answer-- will only ever be one answer.

“Forever,” he replies hoarsely. “Stay with me forever. I don’t need the world. I just need you and this and us.”

Magnus looks stunned for a moment before his eyes turn molten and dull color sweeps across his cheeks.

“Your wish, my darling,” Magnus whispers. “We’ll stay here until hell freezes over.”

He leans down again and Alec’s breath catches as his fiance-- the love of his life-- kisses a trail along his jaw, down his neck to his pulse. He tilts his head back, giving Magnus more access as his eyes fall shut, bliss and yearning and so much damn love pouring through his veins. He barely hears Magnus’s reply over the thunder of blood in his ears but when he does, his chest cracks open in the best damn way.

“I’m yours, Alexander, and there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than right here beside you. Nothing on this goddamned earth could tear me away from you. I’m here as long as you want me.”

“Always,” Alec manages, throat aching with unshed tears. “Forever.”

 

Alec wakes up slowly, mouth upturned as he reaches an arm out, expecting warmth.

When that doesn’t happen, when his hand sweeps over cold sheets, his mouth turns to ash.

He’s filled with a self-hatred so intense that he knows he’d collapse under the weight of it all if he were standing.

Sitting up, Alec scrubs his hands over his face, pushing his palms into burning eyes hard enough to hurt.

The dream was nothing but a bitter reminder of what he’d given up-- what he’d thrown away to save his boyfriend and give him back his life.

Even if Alec feels like a zombie, like a heartbroken zombie whose life has turned into a wasteland, he tells himself that it’s for the best.

He’s woken up from this dream every morning for the past two weeks and Alec doesn’t know how much more he can take. He feels like he’s going insane and oh, God, how he wishes he didn’t have to wake up. He’d happily sleep eternity away if it meant he’d never have to wake up and face his decision all over again, day after day, each morning slicing his goddamned heart to ribbons.

Rubbing a hand over his chest, Alec wonders how much more he can take. Sleep is his only salvation, dreams filled with Magnus. He stills feels the echo of happiness from his dream and it makes him ache down to his very soul.

With a sigh, Alec looks over at his bedside clock and sees that it’s just shy of dawn. Throwing the covers off, he stands on shaky legs and pulls on a pair of sweatpants.

The training room’s always empty this time of day and if Alec’s going to feel pain, he’s always preferred it be physical.

 

Magnus gasps as his back hits the wall. Alec’s a long line of heat against him, his hands rough and possessive and everything Magnus could ask for.

Everywhere his boyfriend touches burns. It’s like he’s burning from the inside, so much feeling rising up that it threatens to choke him.

He feels tears burn behind his eyes at the reverence Alec pours into him but it’s not enough.

 _Harder_ , he wants to demand.

 _Give me more. Give me everything_.

He wants Alec’s love to sear into him, yearns to feel the depth of love that sometimes seems to light Alec up from the inside out. It pours out of him in waves, washes over Magnus like gold, warm and heavy and irresistible.

He’s never cold when he’s with Alec.

Pulling back, Alec sucks a bruise over Magnus’s neck and Magnus keens, high and insistent.

“So good, darling,” he says on a breath. “You love me so good.”

“That’s good,” Alec mutters hoarsely, resting a hand over the thundering beat of Magnus’s heart. “Because I love you with everything I am. I love you more than anything. I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life.”

Magnus hears the words, lets them fall on him, wrap around his heart that’s so battered and bruised that it’s a wonder how he gets out of bed most mornings.

“Stay with me,” he says. “I need you, Alec. I need this, _us_.”

At Magnus’s plea-- and oh, how he wishes his voice wasn’t so damned vulnerable, that his request didn’t sound like he was begging-- Alec pulls back and Magnus is immediately washed with icy fear.

Oh, but how Alec’s eyes flash, hot and full of so much love that it almost knocks him to his knees.

His boyfriend raises a hand, sweeps a thumb over his bottom lip. “And where would I go,” he asks softly. “There’s nowhere else that I’d rather be than here, with you.”

He leans into Magnus’s space and Magnus’s breath catches at the kiss Alec places behind his ear before whispering, “Are you really afraid I’m gonna leave you?”

Magnus closes his eyes, loathe to admit to the fear that sometimes strangles him at the thought of Alec packing up and turning his back on him. 

It’s nothing new. Magnus is too much, he’s not enough.

No one ever stays but Magnus _needs_ Alec to be different. He doesn’t know what he’d do if Alec turned out like everyone else in a week, a year, a decade. 

He knows he wouldn’t survive it.

Still, people always leave and Magnus is always left standing amidst his own devastation as he watches them walk away from him without a backwards glance. And sometimes, when the darkness wraps around him and he’s lost in memories, he can’t help but wonder when Alec will become another bitter lesson, another person who couldn’t stand Magnus Bane for who he was.

“I love you, Magnus. I’m yours, forever.”

Magnus shakily nods his head, eyes still closed. His throat closes on the words that he refuses to let out.

 _Make me yours. Make me believe it_.

He lets himself get caught up in the overwhelming wave of Alec’s desire. His gasps turn to moans and he loses himself in a body that he knows as well as his own.

He pretends that it’s enough. He pretends that _he’s_ enough for Alexander, that he’ll be enough for the rest of Alec’s life.

He pretends that forever doesn’t leave a bitter taste in his mouth and that this is his to keep for as long as he wants.

 

Magnus wakes on a gasp that sounds like a whimper in his bedroom.

It echoes in his ears long after it’s faded and Magnus feels like he’s suffocating under the pain that rides him in agonizing waves.

 _Damn you, Alexander_ , he seethes silently. _Damn you for making me believe that we could have forever_.

He swings his legs over until they land on the cold floor. Throwing a robe on haphazardly, Magnus leaves his empty bedroom and heads for the living room.

Wincing as the afternoon light burns his eyes and makes his headache worse, he walks straight to the drink cart. He grabs a glass and pours a splash-- or two, or five-- of whiskey into it, downing it in a few efficient swallows.

If he’s going to make it through the day, he needs reinforcements.

His chest feels like it’s been cracked open and Magnus absently rubs a hand over his heart, dully surprised to feel it beating after all.

The dreams plague him. Every night he sees-- _feels_ \-- Alec loving him and he’s so damned close to believing it when he wakes up, reality crashing over him all over again.

He thinks he’s going insane.

Every time Dream Alec whispers in his ear, every time Magnus feels the weight of calloused hands against his skin, he believes the lies. Alec’s a particularly persistent ghost and all Magnus can wonder is how much more he can take before there’s nothing left.

Eyes blurry, Magnus calls his magic to him and watches as blue sparks fall harmlessly to the carpet.

Magnus has been taught lessons that would break lesser men but it’s now that he wonders if Alec wouldn’t be his destruction after all.

Glancing at the clock on the wall, Magnus refills his glass and takes it back to his bedroom.

Asmodeus should be here within the hour and his father does so hate a rumpled appearance.

**Author's Note:**

> Catch me on tumblr or twitter @carmenlire!


End file.
